How To Not Die Alone
Book Notes
Chapter 10: This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview
There are several factors that impact how well a date will go. Location, mindset (stressed, tired, happy, etc), and time of day all impact how well a date will go.
Avoid “evaluative dating”. Instead, think more about how you feel around this person. Don’t go in and start asking a bunch of questions. You’re not interviewing someone, and then the date turns into rattling off the same stories they have told others.
The goal of the first date is to see if you’re curious about someone and would like to spend more time with one-another.
Having a better date:
- Have a pre-date ritual. Get yourself in the right mindset. If you think of
yourself as lucky, good things are more likely to happen (because you look
for the good things)
“Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.” —Henry Ford
- Pick a good place and time. When are you the happiest? Is the location
romantic/sexy? Can you sit beside the person rather than across from them?
- The ability to look away from someone helps people feel more comfortable.
- Opt for creative activities. Find scenarios that encourage interaction with others or something to draw attention. Eating messy food is an underrated option (it’s hard to not be silly when pasta sauce is dripping down your chin)
- Show that you’ve put in effort. Key off of something they said. Offer to meet them in their area.
- Be playful. Find reasons to be flirty. Crack jokes.
- Less small talk, more 36 Questions. Be vulnerable. Ask for advice. Listen when they respond. Internalize what was said.
- Listen. Be interested and engaged with your date. Listen more than you talk.
Use support responses rather than shift responses.
- Shift = shifting attention to yourself
- Support = asking questions that dig deeper
- Put down the phone.
- Look to end on a high note. What can you do to leave both of you happy and wanting more?
On the way home, answer these questions for yourself:
- What side of me did they bring out?
- How did my body feel during the date?
- Do I feel more or less energized after the date?
- Is there something about them I’m curious about?
- Did they make me laugh?
- Did I feel heard?
- Did I feel attractive around them?
- Did I feel captivated? Bored? Something else?
Chapter 11: Fuck The Spark
It’s unlikely that you will feel an instant connection. In a survey of 400 individuals, only 11% felt love at first sight. You are more likely to fall in love via the mere-exposure effect; being around something or someone more makes us feel more attracted to that thing.
Basing attraction on first impressions is working off of mate value (a first-impressions ranking of someone’s attractiveness or desireability). Unique value instead is based on how you feel after spending more time with a person. Over time, the weighting of the two shifts from mate value to unique value, and this applies to both mental and physical attraction.
The spark isn’t universally a good thing. You can feel that from simply flirting with someone. Those who feel anxiously attached can confuse anxiety and chemistry.
The spark also isn’t a sign of compatibility or a viable relationship. Instead, when in these situations, look to your values. Look for loyalty, kindness, and how they make you feel. A “slow burn” is much more likely to turn into a viable relationship.